LIGHTS UP ON A SUBWAY CAR. B EAVESDROPS ON T & A. T & A ARE HIPSTERS.
T: Like, how are we still arguing about this shit? Equality? Freedom? Pursuit of happiness, am I right?
A: I know, man.
B: Ugh I know!
T & A STARE AT HER.
T: And then we pat ourselves on the backs for being so “progressive”, like congrats on recognizing basic human rights.
B: I’m always saying the same thing! I just think that-
T & A STARE AT HER.
B: Oh, uh, sorry?
T: But what are supposed to do? What are we supposed to think? When everyone is basically a big stereotype of themselves. How are we supposed to abandon cliches?
B: I know, I know! It’s like, I’m a strong, independent, confident woman… but i do suck at driving
T & A STARE AT HER.
T: it’s crazy, man.
A: I know… like, the shit we’re still arguing about is insane.
T: I’m just not sure why straight conservative white men want to pee with the transgendered so badly?
TRAIN STALL
A: woah.
T: what the hell?
A: shut up. Shut up… I can’t hear him. Thanks. Thanks everyone.
T: he just said we’re stuck, asshole.
TRAIN MOVES. B ALONE IN SPOTLIGHT (trend continues)
B: I’m the girl with the chipped neon nail polish. The one without the umbrella. The one who’ll argue the pass interference call until you hate my guts. The one who buys earrings from the planetarium and has the majority of biggie’s debut album ready to die memorized.
I’m not a victim of circumstance. I’m not a victim of any kind.
I never meant to be white
I never meant to be female
But that’s what I am, right? That’s who I am.
But I mean what I think
And I mean what I say
The spirit in me has nothing and everything to do with me being a woman
I try to start every day with graciousness, humility and fearlessness. I’m not afraid of heights. I’m not afraid of snakes. I’m definitely not afraid of spiders, I fucking love spiders. I’m not afraid of bats or scorpions or sharks or failure or public speaking. I’m not afraid of dying.
I’m afraid of being trapped. Small spaces. Not moving. Can’t get out. Can’t escape. Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit. This isn’t good. Come on. Come on. No, okay, oh there we go.
TRAIN STALLS. T & A ARE NOW BROS.
T: yo
A: yo
B: yes?
T: you want my seat?
A: here, take a seat
B: no, that’s alright. I’m fine.
T: come on, I’m giving you my seat.
A: you’re not gonna take my seat?
B: nah, i’d rather stand.
T: what a bitch
A: that bitch didn’t even say thank you.
T: they wonder why chivalry is dead.
A: bitch.
T: move bitch
A: get out the way
T: get out the way bitch
A: get out the way
B: excuse me?
A: alright dude, that’s probably enough, she looks a little upset.
T: man up
A: man up
T: stop being a pussy
A: stop being a pussy
T: act like a lady, think like a man
A: think like a man
T: she’s not that hot anyway.
A: nah.
T: i mean, not terrible
A: like i’m not gonna complain if she’s standing there
T: i mean tits are tits.
A: tits are tits.
B: awesome. Thanks so much, guys.
T: where you going?
A: sweetie, hunny, baby
B: fuck off, alright
T: oh that looks so ugly on you
A: you’re much cuter when you smile
B: just leave me alone, ok?
T: come on
A: sit down
T: calm down
A: just calm down
T: relax
A: calm down
B: TELL ME TO CALM DOWN ONE MORE TIME
T: seriously
A: you’re not going anywhere
T: it doesn’t have to be so bad
A: you’re making this pretty difficult
T: man up
A: man up
T: stop being a pussy
A: stop being a pussy
B: and how exactly would you like me to stop being a pussy? That’s my brand, right? You can see it sticking out of my chest, right? I can’t stop. I can’t. Tell me, if you can, if it’s possible, how i can be both attractive and respected. Tell me why i should “think like a man” when i have a powerful, valuable screaming lady brain inside my head. It’s fucked to think that i have this brain inside me, I know what i’m capable of, I know the poetry i have just fucking brimming and yet I know the intense number of minutes that i’ve spent of my precious life thinking about my calves being too big. That’s what you’ve done to me. So, I can’t man up. No, actually, I won’t.
T: wow, I guess I never really thought about it like that.
A: and these bitches wonder why they’re still single…
T: oh yeah, that’s right, bitch, man up. Stop being a pussy.
TRAIN MOVES
B: There is a meekness and a quietness and a supposed to that i never learned
I shot a hole through the layers of my asinine confidence
An aim at crashing
At a “bring it on” not to be messed with
How else could i prove our strength
Besides taking on the universe
When you’ve been honored as equal and capable your whole life, it’s pretty ugly to realize the truth of the matter
It’s amazing how many ways you can feel small
But in order to fight oppression, you have to recognize oppression.
So, I wasn’t even sad
I wasn’t
I realized
That my eyes were my brain
And my ears were my brain
And my mouth was my brain
But my heart
Was my heart
Was my heart
I was the sum of my parts
And then some
But, I’m not sure where i’ve been putting my strong emotions. I’m more like a trash compactor than anything else.
TRAIN STALLS. T & A ARE NOW WACKY.
A: oooooh fresh meat
T: you smell that?
A: i smell it
T: fresh. Like the sadness has barely left the skin.
B: are you talking about me?
T: welcome, welcome.
A: we’re glad you’ve finally made it.
T: oooh you are just brimming with it.
B: with what?
A: you smell that?
T: i smell it
B: smell what? Brimming with what?
T: you’ve made it to the right car.
T & A: that is clear
B: what are you talking about? Wait, aren’t you the bros who were just-
T: Welcome, welcome. You’ve made it. To the train of unused love.
B: The train of-
T & A: Unused Love.
T: Used-up sadness and unused love.
B: those go to the same place? That’s so depressing.
T: things aren’t depressing here. Not unless you let them be.
B: well i don’t belong here anyway.
A: you don’t think so?
T: Why can’t you make them care? How come no one wants to care?
A preoccupation operation where you realized you changed much more than you meant to
A: There’s power in understanding you don’t actually want what you thought you wanted
T: Believing in something is different than having something to believe in.
A: Connection through obligation isn’t really much of a connection, is it?
B: I… I… I feel something in my gut that simply won’t become words
T: Did you ever have one of those jaw breakers as a kid, the ones the size of a fucking baseball, the kind you lick and lick and lick for real like seriously your tongue starts bleeding like you couldn’t stop and the layers wouldn’t stop and your jaw wasn’t broken yet even if your tongue was fucking bleeding so all the colors are tinged with a faint pink. You remember those?
B: yeah?
T: so, I dunno, it’s something like that.
B: I don’t get it
A: you’re the jawbreaker
T: no, you’re the blood.
B: what?
A: Imagine standing on top of a huge hill. Everything has gone to shit, there’s nothing but dried up moss and dried up grass and dried up trees. It’s desolate, it’s desperate. It looks just about hopeless but then you spot this patch of amazingly green grass. You run to it. The grass is the softest and greenest and most glorious grass you’ve ever seen. It’s like a bed. You could just sleep there for the rest of your life in the amazingly bright grass bed in the middle of the drought.
T: You’re the bedspread.
A: no, you’re the drought.
B: ok, ok. Um, so let’s say there’s a trash compactor. And I’m completely aware of everything that’s going in there, right? The peach pits and the coffee grounds and the cheez-it boxes and the q-tips and the banana peels and the ziplock bags and the credit card statements and the rotten avocados. I can feel them compressing right, getting packed tighter and tighter, I can feel them. So… I’m the trash compactor, right?
T & A: No, you’re the coffee grounds!
B: WHAT? I gotta get out of here.
T: So, all that wasted love, where have you been putting it? Huh? We’ve never seen you before.
B: I don’t think I have any.
T: oh come on
B: what? I’m not that old. I’m not!
T: Uh-huh
B: And I give tons of love anyway! I don’t have any unused, I swear! I don’t belong here!
T: But I’m sure some of your sadness has to be here, you can’t deny that.
B: But I shouldn’t have to face that! That’s not right! I don’t belong here!
T: You don’t need to get defensive. Everyone belongs here.
B: Not me. I have a handle on my sadness, on my love. I’m in charge. I’m in control. You don’t know me. I don’t belong here.
A: Then why are you here?
TRAIN MOVES
B: Their charts weren’t my charts
And their graphs weren’t my graphs
And i think either way
Their numbers were way off
I couldn’t decide if it was more important
To like something or to love something
I couldn’t decide
Why all of a sudden those seemed like such different things
Sometimes i want to be sad
And i just end up neutral
I didn’t want to want anymore
And i didn’t want to have
And i certainly did not want to be neutral.
TRAIN STALLS. T & A ARE NOW AN OLD COUPLE.
T: oh dear, you scared me. Oh hun, wasn’t that so scary?
A: (grunts, mumbles)
B: ok, guys, what the hell is this?
T: excuse me, dear?
B: I said what the hell is this?
T: oh my, I don’t think there’s any need for that kind of language. Don’t you agree, hun?
A: (grunts, mumbles)
B: ok, I’m sorry. Um, what are you making?
T: Oh, nothing. Just passing the time. Why do you have that look in your eyes?
B: What look?
T: My, my, my. Do you see that, hun?
A: (grunts, mumbles)
B: What look?
T: It’s like you lost something. Do you have everything?
B: Everything but my mind.
T: Oh would you like me to knit one up for you?
B: Well that’s very sweet but, um… I just wanna figure out the point of this one and move on.
T: The point of this one?
B: Yeah, I just figured you’d have some sort of convoluted lesson or moral or some shit.
T: Well, dear, that’s not a very nice way to spend a conversation.
B: I just… I guess I’m not all that concerned with being nice anymore.
T: Wow. Did you hear that, hun?
A: (grunts, mumbles)
T: Ok, you want a lesson?
B: Sure.
T: First of all, don’t underestimate nice. Don’t underestimate time. Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answer to. And don’t do anything that makes you want something in return. Growing up is a lot like paying taxes. It’s going to feel like you’re constantly giving, giving, giving… and at the end of the year, you have to give even more. But sometimes, you’ll get a big return on everything you’ve been giving. But don’t count on it.
B: That’s bleak.
T: But it’s not. We don’t do things to get something back… that’s the burden we share. But just know, that in the end, it’s about teamwork. Money, children, simply living year after year… it doesn’t matter who’s on your team. But you’ve got to have one.
B: Ok.
T: There are million ways to feel powerful, my dear. Never forget that.
TRAIN MOVES
B: I feel roots when I stand
Well, mobile roots
Along for the ride
Like the forest I missed so badly, left behind
It’s still there, making noise, theologically speaking
Bracing myself for broken daydreams
Inevitable but temporary
Another chapter, come and gone
But I would stay the main character, just watch
TRAIN STALLS. T & A ARE NOW MUSICAL AND JOVIAL.
B: Alright, guys, what now?
T & A: Yeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh
A TURNS ON BOOMBOX. NOTHING.
T & A: Yeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
NOTHING.
T: (sings) how bout some music
Yeah, How bout a song
With one little diddy
We’ll all get along
Hey! How bout some music
to fill up the brain
We wouldn’t want our precious girl
Going insane
B: come on
T: You’re more than an object
You’re more than a toy
I’m sure he didn’t mean it
Right? Boys will be boys
So smile, sit back
Relax with a song
We get it. We get it.
You’re independent
You’re strong
You’re lucky, your freedom
Is yours for the taking
It’s only been 6,000 years
In the making
T & A: Sh! Don’t let them know
You were right all along
It’s easier to swallow
Don’t you think? With a song
Shhh! Don’t let them know
You were right all along
It’s easier to swallow
Don’t you think? With a song
B: I don’t wanna sing
I don’t wanna rhyme
Hey anyone! Hey anything!
I need more air! I need more time!
With the walls closing in
And a stall on the track
My brain’s panicking
My heart’s under attack
Listen
I’m the kind of girl who rarely gets scared
Seeming on top of it
Always unprepared
A backdrop on purpose
Cuz too much too soon
I begin to surface
BAM i’m on the moon
B: I don’t wanna sing T & A: Shh! Don’t let them know
I don’t wanna rhyme you were right all along
Hey anyone! Hey anything! It’s easier to swallow
I need more air, I need more time don’t you think, with a song
I don’t wanna sing Shh! Don’t let them know
I don’t wanna rhyme you were right all along
Hey anyone! Hey anything! It’s easier to swallow
I need more air, I need more time don’t you think, with a song
B: STOP! STOP! This is getting out of control!
TRAIN STALLS.
B: space was suffocating me
as level as scripted conversation
i backed out on my star contract
i reneged that meteor deal
black holes kept calling...i didn’t pick up
breathing became my boyfriend
i was queen of affection
i was queen of attention
i was queen, oh i was queen
femininity was mine for the taking
so fuck all you suckaaaaaaaas
i knew all about magic
cuz i believed in magic
i knew all about style
cuz i believed in style
i knew all about words
cuz i believed in words
what i knew and what i believed
started fucking, couldn’t stay friends
oh it was all messed up
i thought, by the time I grew up
There’d be more words
thought light would be liquid
thought money’d be morbid
thought people would be free
i write poems so i can become them
not like a weirdo
more like a transcendentalist
sometimes i become convinced my leg muscles
are too long for my legs
sometimes i become convinced
of a lot of things
i was rather misconstrued about how i would feel in the world on my own
but i’m not mad
i used to think it’d make me mad
and i’m not even sad
i thought for a while, i’d get real sad
but, i guess,
when i’m all of it
and when i’m none of it
when i’m a midwest winter
when i’m a brooklyn ice cream truck
when i’m roots, trunks, branches
when i’m leaves only leaves
if if then then
i’ll get less scared
and i’ll see it all decorated
in the way i imagined
TRAIN IS FIXED. B FINDS HERSELF ALONE ON STAGE.
B: Yes! Guys, it’s fixed! It’s fixed! We’re gonna be ok! Guys, guys… oh. Um. ok. Guys?
B SITS, PUTS ON HEADPHONES.