bigger
than you'd think
Eliot:
I saw a shooting star
Brandon:
you did?
Eliot:
Yup
Brandon:
and?
Eliot:
I made a wish
Brandon:
and?
Eliot:
It hurt
Brandon:
what hurt?
Eliot:
Making the wish?
Brandon:
Why?
Eliot:
I started shaking
Brandon:
shaking?
Eliot:
Yeah
Brandon:
why?
Eliot:
I was scared
Brandon:
of your wish?
Eliot:
That I made it, that I wanted to make it
Brandon:
what was it
Eliot:
well, if I tell you it won't come true
Brandon:
are you serious
Eliot:
okay, fine
Brandon:
well you don't have to tell me, a wish is just a secret, so if you
feel like telling me a secret, have at it... i'm not gonna make you
Eliot:
I don't want to talk specifics
Brandon:
okay
Eliot:
it's not that I don't trust you, it's just... I'm, I'm
Brandon:
you don't have to explain yourself
Eliot:
but I do, don't I
Brandon:
never
Eliot:
I never wish for the specifics
Brandon:
okay...
Eliot:
I wanted, I wished, I... (phone buzzes) god don't you fucking hate it
when you just get a voicemail and your phone doesn't ring? I fuckin
hate that (listens to voicemail) oh my god! I got the job!
Brandon:
Dream job?
Eliot:
Not exactly... more like, better shitty job
Brandon:
better is better
Eliot:
in theory
Brandon:
you pessimist
Eliot:
what! No, stop! Dude, i've been owning mindset lately. Like, making
mindset my bitch. I just start cycling sometimes, ya know. I get
going and can't stop.
Brandon:
I know
Eliot:
Sorta
Brandon:
What is that supposed to mean
Eliot:
Have you ever been around someone for like, 6 weeks or something on
and off...and all of a sudden you hear like three stories from them
in a row and all of a sudden you're like holy shit, I don't know this
person at all...
Brandon:
I mean, I get what you're saying... it doesn't happen all that often
Eliot:
People are always saying that shit to me.
Brandon:
Well, you don't see it but,
Eliot:
what
Brandon:
well, if you're someone with a layered and semi private personality,
everyone assumes they know everything about you.
Eliot:
Fuck, that's so true. I think I get so consumed in my layers that I
forget there are lots of people without layers
Brandon:
and if you're boisterous, and outspoken, people assume that they've
heard everything... because they've heard a slice, a segment, just a
faction of what you might have to say
Eliot:
it's like simultaneously wrong to assume and to not assume, ya know
Brandon:
of course, well, we gotta assess, ya know? That's why I hate the
expression “don't judge me” so fucking much
Eliot:
UGH! Me too! It's like bitch if I don't judge you, how am I going to
walk away from this interaction with anything
Brandon:
There's a difference between judging and being judgmental
Eliot:
that's what I always say!
Brandon:
Whores are the only people worried about judging anyway
Eliot:
haha, well, not exactly. Everyone's worried. Everyone's so goddamn
worried about everything.
Brandon:
What are you worried about?
Eliot:
Disappointing.
Brandon:
You don't think everyone's proud of you?
Eliot:
Disappointing myself. Getting so caught in trying to make it all work
in my brain and never finding the way to make it work in reality.
Running out of time. My friends dying. My friends settling. My family
never figuring out a way to be okay. Student debt. How I can possibly
combat everything. How I can follow the rules and break the rules at
the same time. How i'm going to function independently forever.
How
to do this how to do that how to make it fucking okay with myself
every moment
Brandon:
Are you okay with yourself?
Eliot:
Fuck yes.
Brandon:
Okay then.
Eliot:
But okay in isolation
Brandon:
explain
Eliot:
I find a peace, a placement in comprehending independence
Brandon:
what's wrong with that
Eliot:
I cycle
Brandon:
what do you mean?
Eliot:
Independence is kinda scary.... it's like, in finding a way to be
okay, I cycle over and over and catch myself in this circle of
justification and answers that, of course, ultimately are of extreme
importance. But like, it's just me... it's just my brain over and
over and over again
Brandon:
Act like you don't have friends....
Eliot:
It's not that, I know I have so many amazing people that I'm able to
bounce ideas off, like I get that... but I guess, I can't help but
resort to the ultimate born alone, die alone argument
Brandon:
you want something else
Eliot:
I at least need to experience something else
Brandon:
do you mean, what like a relationship?
Eliot:
I mean, it's all relationships... I don't need a boyfriend, that's
not really what it is... it's, I just get caught in thinking about
all the things i've never felt... and I get envious, I get sad and
warped and then mad for feeling that way, because it's like, don't I
have enough? I have enough on my plate in my brain and my emotions
but it's still, like dense and thick and maybe it needs to be chipped
a little
Brandon:
your wall
Eliot:
excuse me?
Brandon:
Your wall. I know about your wall.
Eliot:
My wall?
Brandon:
Like this is the first time you've heard this?
Eliot:
What, that I put up a wall?
Brandon:
Yeah
Eliot:
Okay, well... yeah, I mean, people have said that to me before
Brandon:
Exactly. It's because you're so fun, and funny and energetic and
impassioned about things, it's easy to miss, but for those who sit
for a bit, listen really closely
Eliot:
is that what you've been doing
Brandon:
trying
Eliot:
why?
Brandon:
There's something there
Eliot:
where
Brandon:
in that head of yours. You have something
Eliot:
… I know
Brandon:
and it's right to be afraid of it, and protect it, but sometimes, you
gotta shift it, push it aside a bit, try something else
Eliot:
I just, I can't
Brandon:
yes you can
he
kisses her
Eliot:
I don't know if this is
Brandon:
Of course you don't
Eliot:
so...
kiss
again
they
stare at each other
Eliot:
I don't want to give you the wrong impression, it's not that i'm
embarrassed, i'm just, I just take a lot of work I think and I don't
want to put that pressure on anyone or for you to think i'm putting
pressure on you
Brandon:
I don't...
Eliot:
It's just, I don't need answers and I don't need traditions and I
don't need fancy anything and I don't want to do what i'm supposed to
but I don't want you to think that i'm not thinking about things and
that i'm ignoring things or that i'm taking things more seriously
than I should because we just made out a little on my roof because I
don't I don't have expectations and I'm sorry i'm freaking out i'm
just sick of accidentally kissing someone and then overthinking it to
the point that I look insane like i'm obsessed or something but i'm
not i'm just obsessed with interaction so I can't stop myself and I
don't even know why i'm saying this all out loud i'm really sorry I
ruin every moment ever and i'm not trying to...
Brandon:
listen. You didn't accidentally kiss anything
Eliot:
I know
Brandon:
can you calm down?
Eliot:
Probably not
Brandon:
that's okay then
Eliot:
what
Brandon:
keep freaking out
Eliot:
no i'll stop, I should probably stop, i'll stop... why are you
laughing
Brandon:
you're fucking gorgeous
Eliot:
oh don't do that
Brandon:
you have no idea
Eliot:
come on don't do this, please don't let me be a psycho and then
flatter me, please
Brandon:
okay
Eliot:
I just.... I don't want you to be disappointed
Brandon:
Thought you were only worried about disappointing yourself?
Eliot:
Have I not made it clear how hyperaware I am of all things social?
Nothing is more intimidating socially that a fucking intimate
relationship. That's why I can't cope, I can't deal, I can't fucking
do this to you if you think i'm some sort of gorgeous energy ball
that will be some sort of good companion to rest your head on cuz i'm
too wrecked for that right now I just want to....
Brandon:
fucking stop this, okay.
Eliot:
No, I'm sorry, I knew I was freaking you out, I knew that I should
probably just..
Brandon:
STOP. Can I tell you what disappoints me?
Eliot:
Um, sure, yeah
Brandon:
Your misunderstandings
Eliot:
My what
Brandon:
How intensely you misunderstand
Eliot:
Misunderstand what
Brandon:
Me, Eliot. You're so fucking used to justifying everything and
consuming yourself in your own awareness that you can't even realize
someone who is just mystified by you, someone who is just so drawn to
you that they wouldn't want to get a word in edgewise because you
don't stop, and you don't stop amazing, until you get into this
spiral of
Eliot:
I know, I'm sorry, I don't mean to justify over and over it's just
i'm so caught
Brandon:
I KNOW! Just shut up for a few minutes okay. Your ideas and your
spiraling are so inspiring until, until you get scared. And as soon
as you're scared, you're intolerable. You cannot accept anything from
the outside when you get to that point. And sometimes, you need help
Eliot. You fucking need it. Ya know, it's so frustrating to have
conversations with you because you know everything I try to tell
you.... you maybe haven't thought of it in those exact terms, but you
understand it all and it's just infuriating. I want to give you an
explanation, but you never need it. And I can see my ideas landing on
you and I can see how you start to work and click and turn and turn
and turn but it makes me feel awful that I can't just let you know
that I admire you. I don't know anything about relationships and I
don't know if I need to but if you'd just stop for three seconds you
can see that you don't have to keep justifying everything. You don't
have to make it all into a multiple choice test where you pick what
answer is most correct. It's okay. Breathe, okay. Are you crying?
Eliot:
Of course
Brandon:
oh fuck I'm sorry, I did not mean to make you cry, I just...
Eliot:
no no no. I want to cry.
Brandon:
Okay. Just, well, just listen, I think we should just, do this. Just,
ya know, have it. And see what it means to have it. And you can enjoy
your new job, your better, and take another step, add one more layer
to that fucking paper mache creation you've been making... and just I
don't know, what do you think?
Eliot:
yeah
Brandon:
yeah?
Eliot:
Yeah.
they
kiss
they
sit
they
stare
Lauren
runs on the roof
Lauren:
Eliot! Fuck, there you are. Oh, um, sorry to interrupt guys, but, um,
Eliot listen. Um, Martin Samuels got in a car accident this afternoon
and um, um, he didn't make
Eliot:
….. what
Lauren:
I'm so sorry, I just, I, you needed to know as soon as possible, I'm
sorry, I...
Lauren
exits
Eliot:
I, I,
Brandon:
I'm so sorry, El....
Eliot:
another shooting star
Brandon:
what? Well make a wish
Eliot:
last time I wished for change
Brandon:
well
Eliot:
wishing is scary
She
cries
they
sit together
she
cries and cries